It’s been almost a week of being a 27 year old Nigerian
female adult.
For the first time in a really long time, I woke up not
thinking or worrying or over analyzing anything. Here’s the behind the scenes
scoop on Alma Rosenfield—I really do struggle with a lot of anxiety issues,
blame it on my over perfectionist nature. I like having everything in control
and not seeing where the dots connect can throw me into full blown panic mode.
Maybe that’s the downside of having your whole life already structured and
planned out even before you were born, then deciding to move out and do life by
yourself and realizing that everything ain’t how it looks in the movies.
But everybody's got to grow up at some point, right?
And for a while now, the period surrounding my birthday
tends to throw me into this very moody state. I call em’ my pre and
post-birthday blues. I don’t know if it’s cos’ my birthday comes at the end of
the year which in itself is filled with a whole lot of self reflection and
sobering up for almost everyone.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m not thankful for the
gift of life, family, friends, a roof over my head and all that, but as humans
it’s so much easier to beat ourselves up for all the things we don’t have (yet)
and all the things we aren’t (yet).
While there may be many reasons someone feels down around
their birthdays, some of the most common include:
1)
Being upset over aging another year—you know
what they say? With each birthday you celebrate, you inch a little closer to
your dying day, but we’re all gon’ die anyways right? So what the heck
2)
Being disappointed by not having expectations
met by a birthday party, celebration or gifts—still never my problem cos’ I don’t
expect anyone to give me the birthday gift my heart so earnestly desires—it’s
hard and has a lot of zeroes attached to it (if you catch my drift).
3)
Feeling unsatisfied with accomplishments since
the previous year—now this, this is why I think I always come down with a
serious case of the birthday blues.
You see? I’ve come to understand
that our birthdays as well as the end of the year cause us to reflect--on what
we’ve accomplished, who we’ve become, what’s changed and what’s stayed the
same. This reflection sometimes can cause disappointment; maybe you didn’t meet
that goal you had set for yourself on your last birthday or at the beginning of
a new year, or perhaps you wish you had made different choices along the way.
I’m reading the letter I wrote to myself on my last
birthday, and while I did accomplish some goals, I’m yet to cross off some of
the major ones and I’m just sitting here thinking to myself “where did all the
time go? And what in heaven’s name have I been doing?”
I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing—I’ve been waiting to have
everything all figured out and perfectly laid out cos’ you see? That’s my
biggest deterrent—I’m a perfectionist with a whole lotta OCD (obsessive
compulsive disorder) as extra topping. I realize now that most of the goals I
failed to accomplish were as a result of fear—fear of not being good enough,
always second guessing myself, waiting till everything’s right and perfect.
Alas! perfection is unattainable for the human species and woe is me for not
getting that memo.
And as far as bad choices go, I think I had more than my
fair share of bad decision making this year—from choice of a significant other
to financial bad decisions to horrible breakfast option bad decisions, you name
it!
So the plan for this New Year? I really don’t know, but I do know that I’m
not about to beat myself up again this year, neither am I about to drive myself
crazy trying to have everything figured out at once, cos’ all that ever does is
keep me in a constant state of anxiety and lorazepam is much more expensive
than I reckoned, plus I’m not sure I can deal with all those withdrawal
symptoms and stuff just yet.
The only new rule I have for this new year and new phase of
my life is to take it one day at a time and keep putting one foot in front of the other,
trusting and believing that the path will become clearer as the journey
continues, and to stay grateful cos’ I’m really surrounded by the most amazing
support system, from Vincent and Silverine, to the most amazing siblings anyone
could ever ask for, to friends who are literally ready to go to war on my behalf.
Y’all don’t know but on my worst days, it’s you guys that keep me going.
So please wish me a happy new year, cos’ I don’t know about
the rest of y’all but my own new year has officially started counting, and say
a prayer for me too if you can. Thank you.
Cheers to the champagne life!!!
With all my love and lots of cake,
Alma
Rosenfield.