They say there’s always a first time for everything...
Last week, I travelled out of the eastern part of Nigeria
for the first time.
Last week, I visited Abuja for the first time.
Last week, I got to stay in a relative’s house for the first
time.
As for how a mid 20s
female Nigerian like me has never left the eastern parts, or done the usual
going to stay with relatives for the holidays or long school breaks and all
that stuff which most of my peers have done? That’s a story for another day.
I was to be in Abuja
for like a week and as such, was going to be staying with my aunt. Now the
thing is, this aunt of mine wasn’t particularly a close relative, I mean there
are those relatives you see at least once every year when y’all return to the
villa for the Christmas holidays, weddings, funerals, etc—you’d most likely
have gotten accustomed to this group of relatives over the years. I never even
knew about this particular aunt of mine till sometime last year when her work
brought her down to the east for a couple of weeks. My point is, I wasn’t
particularly used to being around her, let alone having to stay with her and
her family in a city I’d never been to, so I had to be on my best behavior.
Don’t worry, I also got the lecture from my people. You know
the one I’m talking about naa? That one
that kinda goes something like this: “remember you’re going to someone’s house
oo, behave yourself, don’t go there and expect them to be cleaning up after
you, if you wake up, help out with house chores, comport yourself”, etc etc.
So off to Abuja I went, determined to be on my bestest
bestest behavior, I mean, I couldn’t let them know from the get go that I was a
walking mad woman with a dash of Cardi B here, a sprinkle of Onika Maraj there,
and some side serving of the Proverbs 31 woman way way over there.
I received quite a warm welcome when I arrived Abuja, with
my aunt & her husband more excited for me to be in Abuja than I was , cos’
they both knew I’d never left home before and knew the reasons why (like I
said, story for another day).
The next day, I woke up early, quickly brushed my teeth,
washed my face and went to say good morning to the rest of the house. My aunt’s
little boys (Ikenna & Nonso) were already up and getting ready for school.
Meanwhile, they had a live-in hired help, Jacinta, who I’m sure must have
gotten tired of me at some point, you’ll soon find out why.
I entered the kitchen and asked Jacinta if there was
anything I could help her with—making breakfast, getting the boys ready for
school, doing dishes, anything at all. She gave me this innocent smile and went
all “aunty
no ooo, no worry, go si daan”. At that same time, my aunt walked in and
kind of saw me scurrying around trying to help with anything at all, and went
all “aaah,
Ekene go sit in the parlour, what would you like to have for breakfast? What
are your plans for today? I’m sure you must have some friends here you’d like
to go visit?”.
People of God, as I was taught to respect my elders, I
jejely went and sat down one place.
The next day, same thing happened—nobody wanted me to help
with anything round the house, almost as if there was nothing to be done. Even
when I tried to wash my dishes after breakfast, Jacinta kept pleading with me
to leave the dishes that she’d take care of it; in fact my uncle walked into the
kitchen, saw me doing dishes and almost screamed as he asked “aah
aah, who’s got you doing dishes kwanu?”
Third day, same thing. By the fourth day, I was getting very
uncomfortable, I mean. how could I have gone three days in a relative’s house
without helping round the house in any way? It’s this kin thing that’ll make
them summon umunna meeting for you and you’ll be trying to figure out what you
could have possibly done to warrant you being summoned by the elders.
So on this glorious day, I woke up very early with a determination
to show my “nwa azuru azu”(well brought-up child) skills.
As usual, there was nothing Jacinta would let me do. But
then, I heard some noise coming from the backyard. I peeped outside and saw
Ikenna pounding away with a mortar and pestle. It was the paper mache for his
school project. I hurriedly made my way towards him as I beckoned on him to go
have his bath and prepare for school while I take care of the paper mache.
Everything happened so fast cos’ I didn’t realize Jacinta
had been shouting my name through the window, and I must have been talking so
fast and so loud, I didn’t hear Ikenna telling me to go back inside quickly.
Ladies and gentlemen, before I realized what was happening, the two biggest,
most ferocious looking dogs you could possibly imagine were barking and running
at the speed of light towards me like they’d just seen their breakfast. I don’t
know how or when I started running but somehow, in one clean leap, I was back
inside the house. I totally forgot that the dogs—Scooby and Chase were outside.
As I sat on the floor in the kitchen trying to catch my breath and process what
had just happened, all I could think of was why animals couldn’t just be like
people and do the whole “aha mmadu na-eso ya” ish (i.e, living
up to one’s name), I mean, hasn’t Scooby watched the real Scooby (Doo) and seen how
he behaves, and on that same note, who the hell names their dog Chase???
I sha heard a still
small voice whisper to me, “shey you wee not stay one place now?”
You’d think after that
incident I’d have learnt my lesson, but no ooo, a girl was determined to show
herself.
The next morning, I
woke up and wanted to do some laundry which included the bed sheets in the room
I had been staying in. I asked Jacinta where the laundry buckets were and all,
but she looked at me almost shocked and went all “aunty don’t worry, just put am
for washing machine”. In my mind, I was like see this geh oo, so that
these people will think I’m one very lazy girl that can’t even wash clothes
with her hands? So I declined the
washing machine offer and mumbled something about preferring to wash my clothes
myself cos’ I was already used to doing it that way. I could swear she was
doing yimu for me in her mind, but she quietly went and got me a bucket and a
bar of soap. Following the previous day’s incident, I felt it’d be safer to do
the laundry in the bathroom. After washing, I hung the clothes on the shower
curtain rods, so I could discard the dirty water and fetch some clean water to
rinse the clothes. Now that I think about it, I don’t know what I was hoping to
achieve hanging wet jeans, bed sheets, etc on a plastic shower curtain rod. Before
I knew it, the rod came off and everything came tumbling down to the floor--the
wet clothes, the towels hanging up there, sponges, underwear, everything!!! Some fell to the floor, some inside the dirty
bucket of water, some on my head, with the shower curtain just enclosing me as
if I were in a sack. I was just weak.
Again, I heard that
still small voice whisper to me, “nne, no go dey do pass yasef”
I managed to tidy up the mess quickly before anyone could
walk in on me, but Imma tell y’all what a girl did after that.
A girl had a nice bath,
applied some delicious smelling cream all over her body, put on a pretty dress,
splashed some make-up on her face with an extra extra touch of ruby-woo for
that daring look, grabbed her shades, called an Uber, told her aunt she
wouldn’t be back till late in the evening, and zapped out to go hang with her
friends.
A girl went to Abuja for the mimosas, fries, friends and
chill, and of course, the fine fine boboyets. A girl cannot come and have
herself eaten by dogs or swallowed by shower curtains before she gets her
chance at all of those. A girl decided to respect herself and do what normal
guests do—stay one place.
A girl sha enjoyed her stay in the capital city courtesy of
some awesome friends.