I was talking with a friend the other day and she was
telling me how she’d been dating this guy for the past couple of months. Now, I
was utterly surprised. She’d never mentioned she was seeing
someone. Anyways, she kept going on and on about said guy and it was obvious he
was everything she wanted and more, but something felt off. So I asked her why
it was that she’d never told me about him before, and she mumbled something
about never having imagined herself going long term with him. “Long-term?
What do you mean long-term”, I asked.
She then told me that he’d been asking to meet with her
people so he could ask for their blessing and of course her hand in marriage,
but she had been stalling, and not cos’ she didn’t love him or cos’ she didn’t
want to be with him. I’m sure y’all are thinking that at this point, I’d have
started screaming from sheer excitement and all, but nope, ya girl kept a
straight face as I calmly asked for the umpteenth time, “what eez the problem nne?”
“He’s Yoruba!” she
blurted out. This is the point where I then started screaming, but I can assure
you it wasn’t out of excitement. My girl is Igbo (if you know, you know). This
story can end here now……or naaaa, I think the story will begin now.
CAUTION: I’m about to
shake some tables.
If you’re a true “born & bred” in Nigeria type,
then you’ll understand me when I say that after years of countless research, we
have come to the realization that the process of choosing a life partner in
Nigeria is an extreme sport, I’m not joking, you could get killed out here.
While the issue of love, compatibility, financial stability,
looks, etc are important, you see baa? For Nigerian parents, tribe &
religion are importanter. I mean, there’s always that talk of “people
from so so place don’t marry people from so so place because their people
behave in so so so way, or people who attend so so church can never marry
people who don’t attend same church, etc”. Sometimes I ask myself, “Who
made these rules? I mean, what’s with all the stereotypes? But more than that,
some of these cultural stereotypes associated with people from certain
backgrounds, are they really true?, have they really come to stay?, and is
there no way around them?”.
Ladies & gentlemen, I recently realized that the above
was just me talking. These stereotypes have been ingrained into our
subconscious so we act on them & act according to them without even realizing
we’re doing so.
I’m Igbo & from Mbaise, which is a very popular town in
Imo State. Now for the better part of my life, when people meet me for the
first time & I mention where I’m from, the first comment I get goes
something like this: “Omg, you people that your bride price is
like national budget, and aahn aahn, this one you’re even a doctor on top, only
Lord knows how much your bride price will be (we’ll talk about this issue
another day sha)”, or the very common: “Heei God!!! You’re from Mbaise? I’ve
heard your people are very mean, and that as a matter of fact, if ever you had
to choose between letting a snake or a person from Mbaise into your house, you
best choose the snake and send the person from Mbaise away”. Arrrghh!!
Sometimes I have the good mind to bitch-slap this particular group of people,
like “excuse
me, but shut your mouth. If truly a snake were right here this very moment, and
I’m talking like a big black cobra type of snake, and you had to choose between
it & me, you sure as hell would not choose the snake & let it into your
home, so let’s not make any more unintelligent comments, please dear”.
But then I always just smile and go all “ooh and aah”.
But recently I had an experience that made me realize that I
really couldn’t blame them, and by them, I mean these people that would make
general assumptions of me based on stereotypes associated with my ethnicity or do so
to other people whether due to stereotypes associated with their ethnicity or
religion, etc. It’s what they’ve been told or what they’ve heard as stories
while growing up, so it’s been ingrained in them, & sometimes, they just
can’t see past all of that. I say this cos’ I too, was guilty of doing this to
someone recently.
I met a guy and we hit it off, or almost hit it off rather.
But you see, even before I allowed myself get too friendly with him, I had to
ask two things – where he was from, and what religion he practiced. Now you can
understand me when I say we all somewhat have a fundamental problem. The
religion part was A-okay, but he was also from Cross River. Now no offence to
people from here, in fact, one of my best friends is from Cross River by the
way. But as far as cultural stereotypes go, the word around town is that their
men are known to be quite promiscuous. Same goes for people from Akwa-Ibom, I’ve
heard they suffer the same stereotypes & prejudice.
My new friend in
context here even made a joke about it once, while we were talking about our
different ethnicities, all in the spirit of getting to know each other. Now
initially, I made nothing of this, I mean, I have a ton of friends from varying
ethnicities; but when he made a move for a relationship and when I say made a
move, I mean when a man quickly gets to the point and states his intentions
loud & clear so that even those at the back can hear, cos’ he ain’t about
to stutter on what he’s about to say, I found myself looking at him through the
same stereotyped glasses I’d frown at people for looking at me through. Sad?
Maybe.
I sha felt horrible. I mean here was a guy who I’d become good friends
with, who effortlessly checked off everything, well, almost everything on my
list, (nobody should ask me about this list) and I’m about to sentence him to life
imprisonment, why? I didn’t have the energy to hassle with Vincent and umunna? Or
maybe cos’, if I was actually being honest, a part of me actually believed all
the stuff I’d heard about his people?
A belief not based on
facts, but based on, “it’s what people say so there has to be
some truth to it right?
Right now, I’m sitting here sipping on a hot cup of earl
grey latte, thinking to myself, “people say they’re better off letting a snake
into their home, than letting you in. Do you think there’s some truth to it?
*sighs* Discussion for another day.
As for my friend, I told her I couldn’t help her, though I wished
her well in the battle that lay ahead.
Anyways, where are you from and what’s a creepy stereotype
you’ve heard associated with your people?