It’s the year 2019. I’m a mid 20s, female, medical doctor.
I’m also a Bulgarian princess (don’t ask me how cos’ I can’t explain it right
now, I just know I am). But, I have Nigerian parents, and I mean the original, ogbonge, tear-rubber type Nigerian parents,
and we all know Nigerian parents have one very peculiar problem—they don’t know
how to pick a struggle. They say one thing, mean another thing and then go on
to do a totally different thing altogether.
Anyways, let me tell my story for today.
I was at work the other day going about my usual activities,
but I had this other thing I had to take care of so I asked a colleague and
friend of mine to help me out. Before I go on, let me just state for the
purpose of this story that my mum and I work in the same place, though in
different offices. It happened to be
that this my friend (we’ll call him Kene for the purpose of this story) had
some business to attend to in my mum’s office, per request from his Dad who
just coincidentally happened to be colleagues with my mum.
See us both going all “aaaah & ooohhh”, like we’ve been
colleagues & friends all along and didn’t even know our parents knew each
other well too. Since I was heading to
my mum’s office right after work, I asked him to come along with me so he could
see my mum for whatever business his Dad sent him on.
We got to my mum’s office, she was in a little meeting of
sorts but it was okay for us to interrupt for a bit. After all the pleasantries
were out of the way, I went on to introduce Kene.
ME: Mummy,
this is my colleague & friend Kene *inserts surname*, he said his Dad knows
you and…..
She didn’t even let me finish before she jumped in and went
all:
MUM: Aaaahhh
Kene *inserts surname again*, you’re so so so’s son? Your Dad called me and told me you were
working here with us, I didn’t even know. How are you? How’s your Mum? Aaah
.
She went on further to introduce Kene to all the other people
in the room as so so so’s son, cos’
apparently, they all happened to be colleagues of his Dad as well.
When the meeting was over, Kene sorted out the stuff his Dad
sent him to do and everyone went home.
Now the next day, very early in the morning, my mum called
me and my two younger sisters for village meeting. You know the one naa? that village
meeting where Nigerian mothers begin to give “the talk” on life and
everything womanhood in general? Yea, that “talk”!
I’d just like to highlight one particular
area she talked about . She was like, this is Nigeria, and we’re Nigerians and
in our culture, a lady cannot have a guy as a friend. A lady cannot walk around
introducing a guy as her friend, cos’ people tend to start getting ideas. You
can introduce a guy as your colleague, your classmate, your friend’s cousin’s
older brother’s son, your pet fish’s trainer, but not your friend.
Now, while I understood this, cos’ let’s face it, some
stereotypes are here to stay, it still bothered me a bit, maybe cos’ I’d have
felt a bit better if the said “friend” of mine in question was in the slightest
bit a love interest to me. Oh wells, let’s fast forward to the next day.
The next day, I told
my mum I had a friend’s wedding to attend over the weekend and as such, would
be going shopping for something nice to wear as well as a nice wedding gift for
the couple. Next thing I know the woman goes, “it’s not to be going for wedding
upandan oo, you need to start planning your own wedding ni, there’s no time”.
At this point, I legit blurted out “Issa lie”. So how is
this supposed to work ni? I can’t have a guy as a “friend” but I can get
married? How is the magic going to
happen? How do y’all want it to happen? I’ve
replayed that scenario in my head a million times and it always goes something
like this: “Mum, Dad, I’d like you both to meet Kene. Kene is my pet fish’s trainer.
So the thing is, we figured with me loving fish and him being an excellent fish
trainer, it’d be a good idea for us to get married. I mean, this is obviously a
match made in heaven right?”
Naaaa, I don’t think so.
Hellooo? Eskus me, Nigerian
parents, please explain to us in details with diagrams. How do you want a mid
20s female to not have guys as friends but you want her to marry and leave your
house? Mba oo, we die here until y’all give us some answers.